What Exactly is Attachment?
Our attachment style is the way we have adopted to relate to others.
In adulthood, attachment styles are used to describe patterns of attachment in romantic relationships. The concept of attachment grew out of the attachment theory and research that emerged throughout the 1960s and 1970s. Today we typically recognize five main attachment styles. Understanding our attachment styles as children, helps us greatly to understand how we relate to our partners, relatives and friends as adults. That information can guide therapy and open up new possibilities for us. Children can also benefit from therapy for attachment issues and develop a better attachment style.
Now just because you develop those styles over the course of your childhood, it doesn't mean any adult relationship issues can be blamed on mom & dad. Lots of other things besides your parents play an important role in which style you lean towards. For instance, a child's temperament, resiliency, physical health, traumas (both psychological and physical) can all affect the child's ability to attach and bond to their caregiver.
Here are the main styles of Attachment:
A secure attachment style is characterized by a positive view of the self, others, and relationships. An adult attachment style is the way in which adults in a romantic relationship relate to each other. ... They are secure both with themselves and in their relationships.
An ambivalent attachment style is evident when an adult often feels reluctant about becoming close to others and worries that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings. This leads to frequent breakups, often because the relationship feels cold and distant.These individuals feel especially distraught after the end of a relationship. Cassidy and Berlin described another pathological pattern where ambivalently attached adults cling to young children as a source of security.
An avoidant attachment is when adults tend to have difficulty with intimacy and close relationships. These individuals do not invest much emotion in relationships and experience little distress when a relationship ends. They often avoid intimacy by using excuses (such as long work hours) or may fantasize about other people during sex. Research has also shown that adults with an avoidant attachment style are more accepting and likely to engage in casual sex. Other common characteristics include a failure to support partners during stressful times and an inability to share feelings, thoughts, and emotions with partners.
An insecure attachment is when adults tend to need constant attention and feedback from their partner. They may be jealous, or suspicious and therefore quite demanding regarding staying close to their partner. Often they spend a lot of time preoccuped with the health of the relationship, trying to feel safe by staying connected in ways that might feel intrusive or overbearing by their partner.
A disorganized attachment style causes adults to flip flop between between being anxious and being avoidant. Sometimes this depends on the romantic partner, but it can also be related to external circumstances. It can be very hard for a partner to understand and often they see their partner as super "moody". Teenagers can often be mistaken for having this attachment style because of the developmental tasks of individuating (becoming their own person unique from their parents).
Attachment has become widely accepted as playing a significant role in healthy adult functioning. It gives us a framework for understanding how we move through life.
If you would like more information on Attachment styles, there are several books that I highly recommend:
Becoming Attached by Robert Karen - This book is pretty thick and is a bit technical but it covers everything you want to know about Attachment.
Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Seigel, MD - This book looks at a parents own childhood attachment style and helps you realize what parenting styles you were brought up with and how you have adopted and applied them to raising your child(ren). That allows you the opportunity to keep those beliefs/values that you want to keep and discard any that don't align with the parent you want to be.
If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, PhD - This book explores how attachment styles work in regard to dating and how to stay focused on your spiritual journey and not lose yourself in the relationship. It's fun and written in conversational style.
